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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my private and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing embarrassments from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that counseling might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become harmful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it annoys those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of helpful sessions is about understanding yourself, not just problem-solving. A qualified professional will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to consider and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and nervousness.

Even processing later can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This approach will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward improvement.